My Breastfeeding Story
- Primal Motherhood
- Aug 7, 2019
- 7 min read
Happy World Breastfeeding Week. In honor of world breastfeeding I want to share my breastfeeding story with all of you. I think we should always celebrate breastfeeding mamas or should I say ANY mama! Mama’s should always be celebrated.
First off, I want to start off by saying, I believe that “Fed is best!” No matter what that looks like for you and your family. I want this article to celebrate ALL mama’s no matter what their breastfeeding experience looks like. At the end of the day all that matters is that our children and loved, fed, and safe. There should be no room for judgement, (I will get to that soon, YES, there is always judgement!)
A newborn baby has only three demands. They are warmth in the arms of its mother, food from her breasts, and security in the knowledge of her presence. Breastfeeding satisfies all three. ~Grantly Dick-Read
Prior to getting pregnant I always knew that breastfeeding was one of the things that I wanted to do for my child. When we got pregnant with Daxton I knew this was a goal I set for myself. As I got closer to my due date, Brian and I took the classes and I read some books, I educated myself on the challenges, and I felt really prepared to breastfeed Dax.
Reasons why I wanted to Breastfeed Daxton:
Bonding time with my new baby
Nutrients and Protection for my baby
Convenience
All the health benefits for my baby
Easy on the budget
My goal was to be able to breastfeed Daxton for the first year. Little did I know that making it one month was going to be the biggest challenge.
Daxton has his own way of coming into this world, and at that point I realized that Daxton was in control. Daxton was born via emergency C-Section (Read my birth story for more details). The only bonding I got with my new son was about 5 minutes of cheek-to-cheek and then he was taken down to the NICU where I wasn’t able to hold him until the following morning. When I look back, this is where I see my breastfeeding story go so wrong.
Daxton was taken to the NICU shortly after he was born and I was taken to recovery where I had to be monitored for almost 3 hours. While I was in recovery, nobody told me I needed to pump, nor a pump was never offered to me. They just told me to rest and after being in labor for 30 hours I was exhausted and rest I did. When we got transferred to our room that night (without Daxton), it was about 10:00pm. The nurses got me settled and then rolled in a pump and said that I need to start pumping. Didn’t tell me how to use it, didn’t tell me anything, I just need to pump. I should have asked, but I was so exhausted from what just happened, I didn’t know what to ask, I figured it out myself. I was pumping every 2 hours at night (something that I read in all my books) and wasn’t getting much. I knew it took awhile for my milk supply to come in, and I knew that the colostrum (your first milk) is the most important part to give to the baby.
The next morning I was called by the NICU asking for me to bring down what colostrum that I got overnight, because “your baby is crying.” I have Brian wheel me down to the NICU (I still can’t walk at this time, I’m hooked up to an IV). When we walk in, we hear this baby crying with a piercing cry, it was Daxton. The nurse hands him to me and said, do you want to breastfeed? I reply yes, and she hands him to me and says here you go. From all the classes I knew it was a little more than just putting your baby to your breast. I told her, “can I have a lactation consultant please, I don’t know what I’m doing.”
Lactation arrives in the NICU and she was very caring and informative. She helped me get Dax latched and it was fairly easy. I was very hopeful that my breastfeeding journey would go as planned, especially since nothing was going as planned. I would breastfeed Dax every 1-2 hours in the NICU and was pumping in between to continue to get my milk to come in. I was actually enjoying the experience. I loved the fact that I could bond with Dax, I could provide for Dax, and I was what he needed.
Since Daxton was in the NICU and I wasn’t able to walk at this point the nurses told me to just pump at night and they would supplement Daxton with donor milk throughout the night. This backfired on us!
Dax was in the NICU for three days and then we were transferred to a room together because I wasn’t ready to be discharged. Day of the transfer was where my breastfeeding experience really changed and turned into a nightmare. At time of transfer the nurses took me up to a new room and we waited for Daxton to arrive from the NICU. Within a couple minutes of being transferred up to our new room another lactation consultant came in to see me. (this one didn’t go so well.) They brought Dax up from the NICU and that piercing scream was coming down the hall again and Daxton wasn’t happy. She hands me my SCREAMING baby and tells me to put him to my breast. Daxton wasn’t having it, he was upset! I was so stressed out because the lactation consultant put all this pressure on me, Daxton was still screaming, and nurses were coming in. My chest broke out in hives and I remember after she left I just started crying with Daxton, this wasn’t what I thought breastfeeding was.
After about an hour of trying to get Daxton latched screaming, she left and said she would come back. Daxton finally stopped crying and I started to calm down. Daxton latched no problem and he was fed. The problem was I wasn’t feeding him enough because he was getting the donor milk. After a couple hours the lactation consultant came back and was telling us about the SNS (Supplemental Nursing System) method, which is using a feeding tube device to provide food for your child at the breast. So that he can continue to latch and get the right amount of milk to be fed. A fed baby is a happy baby.
My husband and I did this method the remaining time at the hospital because eventually Daxton just quit latching. We were putting the SNS tube on our pinky and feeding him this way to try to get him to latch. At the day of discharge lactation came in (the same lady) and finally said, you’re going to need to continue to pump and bottle feed him and continue to work on breastfeeding. Daxton wouldn’t even take the bottle, we had to help him learn how to suck out of the bottle. This poor kid was only three days old and we were going through all of this.
We got home, I continue to attempt to try to breastfeed went to a couple lactation groups and it just really wasn’t working out for me. Daxton wouldn’t latch anymore, I was heartbroken. I felt like this was the one thing that I wanted to do for my child and wasn’t able to do it. So, I was pumping every 2-3 hours and then feeding through a bottle. I gave up on breastfeeding! I don’t think anyone ever tells you how hard it is, especially if you have a child that won’t latch.
I continued to pump and bottle feed, it worked for our family but it was a TON of work! At about 2 weeks postpartum, Daxton started to get really colicky. He would just scream, it was so hard juggling a colicky baby and making my pumping times. I then had a conversation with Brian and said that I want to pump for six months and then I will be done. It was just too hard, I wasn’t able to help my son at this point.
I remember talking with a friend and telling her my struggles and she told me, “Renee it’s okay to give up and feed your baby formula.” I didn’t realize that I needed that validation and it clicked for me. A couple days later, Daxton was screaming on my lap, I was hooked up to my pump, and I just started crying and thought, “I can’t do this anymore!” My child needs me in another way than providing food for him. I talked with my husband and started to wean myself off that day. I made it four months and had enough milk to get Daxton to five months postpartum.
This was a turning point for me. I had to do what’s best for myself and my baby. This was a decision that I didn’t make lightly I was feeling all this pressure and didn’t even realize that this pressure was impacting my bonding with my baby and my own mental health. I’m sure there were times that my husband wanted to tell me to quit, but he was trying to be as supportive as he could be. He pushed me at times when I felt like giving up and also supported my decision to ultimately give up.
There is so much pressure on women to provide for their child that we can be consumed by it. When we were in the hospital, we were never given the opportunity to say “No, I don’t want to breastfeed.” We were made to feel like that was our only option. There were times that I even stopped going to mommy and me groups because I felt the shame of not being able to breastfeed my child. I still get emotional about it today, because why should I feel like that, my child is getting fed just differently. As I’m reading some testimonies of women who felt this pressure I came across this article of a woman who took her own life due to postpartum depression due to the pressures of breastfeeding. Her husband writes a plea to all mothers to seek help if they feel anxiety and depression.
"I was tired, sore, and the baby was cranky and constantly wanting to feed. It surprised me that, despite my vocal frustration and obvious difficulty breastfeeding, the nursing staff and lactation consultants were adamant that I continue to breastfeed exclusively.”
We should be building a community to support each other through these really hard times not judge or bring down each other. Looking back I do wish I was able to breastfeed my baby, I feel like that was taken away from me by my birthing experience, but I made a decision that I felt was right for my child, our family, and my mental health at the time.
So, today I want to celebrate all Mama’s and say you are doing a great job!!
Comment below. Did you have a positive or negative experience breastfeeding? Did you feel judged by your breastfeeding decisions?
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