The Fourth Trimester...You are not alone

Primal Motherhood
Apr 25, 2019
7 min read

During my pregnancy I was into reading every book there was to be prepared for what was to come. I wanted to be well-informed when welcoming our first son into the world. I had my list of things that I was going to do and the list of things that I ABSOLUTELY was not going to do. I felt like I was prepared. I sat down with my husband and doctor to come up with a birth plan and had everyone on board for things to go smoothly. Boy, was I wrong!

Nobody talks about what is to come after you have the baby, the whirlwind of emotions, the toll it takes on a mother's body (no time for recovery), the pressures to “do everything right” (when you don’t even know what is right,) the pressure to breastfeed, and just the simple pressures to meet the needs of you child. Once Daxton was born, I quickly learned that I was in over my head. Nothing was going like I had planned! Everything I said I wasn't going to do all went out the window, I was in survival mode. I then turned to the resource everyone turns to “Google.” I found a blog post on Mama Natural’s blog The 10 Ten Natural Parenting Books. That’s when I found the book The Happiest Baby on the Block, by Harvey Karpp. He talks about the Fourth Trimester and how to soothe a colicky baby, which we needed help with both.

What is The Fourth Trimester?

According to expert Dr. Harvey Karp the Fourth Trimester refers to the first three months of a baby’s life. This is the time where your newborn is adjusting to life outside the womb. It is filled with changes for both the baby and the parents. Dr. Karp’s method, dubbed the 5’s, helps caregivers mimic certain aspects of the womb, recreating the sounds, movement, and snugness familiar to newborns as they learn to regulate their reflexes and refine their senses.

The Reality of Our Fourth Trimester

The Fourth Trimester for us was a HUGE reality check. After anxiously awaiting the arrival of your beautiful baby, he was here and I was his mother, so in love and so overwhelmed at the same time. I was now responsible for this little boy, he depended on you for his survival. After I had Daxton and they gave him to me, I knew my world changed. I wanted to do everything to make the world a better place for him and give him the best life that we could give him. But, the challenge was only starting.

Our Fourth trimester was a deep, dark tunnel filled with hourly feeding, endless babywearing, sleepless nights, and a screaming baby for hours at a time. This tunnel was a long tunnel with lots of tears, little rest, and a baby that consistently needed to be bounced, rocked, shushed, and fed. Oh, and did I say lots and lots of tears (By both parties).

On top of dealing with the transition to parenthood, Daxton was a colicky baby. He would cry every night from about 4:30pm-10:00pm, it would stop when we could finally get him to sleep. This was a time that I felt helpless, alone, frustrated, and even a failure. I remember I would talk with friends and they would tell me how easy their babies were and it was so hard to hear this, why were they so easy and Daxton’s wasn’t. I remember questioning, was it something I did during my pregnancy?, was it something I’m doing now?, maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mother. This was a time, (I still get emotional about it), because I have never felt so alone. You continue to ask yourself these questions of why me? I thought I was turning to friends, but they couldn’t possibly understand they are not going through it. I’m here to tell you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE and YOU WILL SURVIVE.

Ways to help baby get through the Fourth Trimester

Motion:

Walking, babywearing, placing baby in a swing, car rides can all help the baby relax. Remember that baby was in your belly for 9 months and would feel the movement whenever you moved. This is a familiar feeling to them.

Skin to Skin:

Your baby is use to hearing your heartbeat. Skin to skin is a way for your baby to be close to your heartbeat. I think I spent most of the first couple weeks being comfortable without a shirt, because this was one way that Dax would settle down.

Swaddle:

Swaddling recreates the womb. This is something that can soothe a baby right away, if swaddled right. This also keeps the baby warm and tight and helps with preventing the startle reflex baby has, that can easily wake them.

Shushing:

This technique was a lifesaver and sometimes I continue to use it to this day, and Dax is 14 months. We actually did this technique so much with Dax, that my niece thought you do this with all babies. Make shushing noises in baby’s ear as loud as baby is crying, this is mimicking the blood pulsing sound that the baby hears when they are in the womb.

These are only some techniques that I found helpful. If you would like to learn more about the techniques, I highly recommend the book The Happiest Baby on the Block by Harvey Karp. Also, go with your gut, if you think something else is wrong always consult your pediatrician.

Things mom should expect to help get through the fourth trimester:

Limit Visitors:

Everyone is so excited to meet that little bundle of joy. Before we had Daxton we didn’t live close to family so it was easy to say no visitors for the first 2 weeks. Well even when we didn’t live close to family we had visitors the first 2 weeks and it was overwhelming. Don’t be afraid to ask family for help. If people are asking what they can do for help, take them up on the offer. The best baby gift we got, was my friend came to meet Daxton and brought us meals that we were able to freeze. This was such a lifesaver, because I didn’t have anytime to cook. Talk with family and friends and ask for help, but also remind them that you are healing too.

Bonding Takes time:

Before I had Dax, all I heard was “you just feel this love so deep right away.” I was worried because I never felt that with Dax. I blamed it on the way I gave birth and the fact that he was a NICU baby. But at the end of the day, bonding takes time. At first it is hard to meet your babies needs, but it becomes easier over time and you fall more and more in love with your little one everyday.

Success is different now

Prior to baby, we can measure success in many different ways. In the fourth trimester it’s hard to measure success because you are just overwhelmed with all emotions and you feel like you are on a repeat cycle. Feed, change diaper, baby sleeps, do it all over again. Also, as moms we put so much pressure on ourselves that our house isn’t staying clean, we are not spending as much time with our significant other then we did before, life is just not the same. Measure those small successes, such as; your baby is growing out of their newborn clothes, your baby made the first “coo” noise, you were able to settle your baby within a couple minutes, etc. You need to find those small success and just remember, just because it worked today, doesn’t mean it’s going to work tomorrow.

Self-Care is not selfish

This is one that I still continue to struggle with but I have to remind myself, I can’t take care of anyone if I don’t take care of myself. Mom guilt is a real thing, it’s okay to feel this but you need to take care of yourself too. Self-Care should be something that you do on a regular basis. Remember you ARE your babies world at this point, you need to heal and stay healthy.

You are not alone

Like I said before, this journey can feel really isolating at times. When you are in the middle of a screaming fit and you’ve tried everything and nothing is working, just remember you are not alone. Reach out to support groups, your pediatrician, therapists, or lactation consultants. All these people are here to help you, so don’t hesitate to reach out. I sometimes found that talking to strangers about the struggles I was having with Daxton was easier then talking with friends. I didn't feel that pressure or judgement that we sometimes feel with friends and family.

The transition to the fourth trimester is a little bit of a whirlwind of emotions, you are overwhelmed, exhausted, so in love with this little human, and trying to find a “new normal.” It’s okay to have the doubts, it’s okay to feel overwhelmed at times, it’s okay to ask for help. Look back at what you already overcame, your body gave birth to this beautiful baby, you’re all your baby needs and wants at this point.

Even though we had a hard transition in the fourth trimester, I wouldn’t go back and change anything. As we sit here today and I write my story of the challenges it reminds me of how strong I’ve become. I remember my mother looking at me and saying, “Renee, I don’t know what to tell you, I don’t know how you do it.” Going through what we went through was one of the most difficult things that I have experienced, but it has taught me to be more patient, to reflex on the small things, to give up control in certain situations, and it’s okay to fail, that’s what we learn from the most. I kept telling myself during these times, “God gave me Daxton, because he knew I could handle it.” Now, we have a vibrant little 14 month old that continues to be strong willed and is developing his personality and loves to explore the world around him.

So, take a deep breath, tell yourself you are doing a great job, and remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I’d love to hear from you! How was your transition to motherhood, did you have challenges? How did you overcome those challenges? Leave a comment below.